Spin that Wheel!!!!!!!!!!

Yep! Took that pic yesterday - the Eve of New Year's Eve!!! You may have noticed that I like the eve of eves! Saw all the preparations for tonights celebrations being rehearsed, tv crews setting up, projections against buildings, weird music being blared. All without the drunks, the punch-ups, the peeing in the street and the off-tune renditions of Auld Lang Syne!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXX

Bible Bashers - Grrrrr!!!

Ok, I know it's nearly Christmas but surely it's no excuse for bible-bashers to come creeping out of the woodwork and standing outside my front door in their quaffed and polite manner! The scene outside my front door played out as follows:

"Did I want to hear good news"

"No. I know about Jesus - I went to a Catholic school."

"Oh, so you're not Jewish then?"

"No, I am Jewish but I went to a Catholic school."

"Oh" - flummoxed looks.

"So obviously I am damned to hellfire, because I am not baptised and Jesus isn't my saviour, but I wish you both a Merry Christmas."

"Oh it would be terrible to think that God would do that to you."

"Yes I agree but as I am not baptised that's what will happen."

"Can we leave you something to read?"

"Yes - Merry Christmas." (Held hand out for their leaflet.)

Silence.

I walked away, politely scrunching up the leaflet and secretly delighted that I must have shocked their very core with my rejectionist beliefs!

Then ... the sound of the buzzer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!!! Surely it's my choice if I want to be roasted in hellfire as opposed to "roasted" by Robbie Keane and Jude Law! Mind you, I suppose that kind of roasting can lead you to hellfire too!

'Twas the Eve of Christmas Eve

I just wanted to say that! Wherever you are, whoever you are have a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Censor the Pogues??? Radio1 you're having a laugh!

We've gone politically correct mad here! Yesterday morning Radio 1 said they wanted to censor this classic Xmas hit from 1987 because of the word "faggot". Get a life folks! Anyway by the end of the day they rescinded the decision due to an outpouring of protest by all who love the song, the Pogues and the late Kirsty Macoll's mother.

God Bless you Kirsty you died too young but you left us this amazing tune as a legacy. So altogether now "I could have been someone ... Well so could anyone!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This blog is so dull

I have to admit this is a very dull blog. My life is just appalling at the moment.

Let me bring this blog up to speed:
It's been a manic month and a bit - firstly bumping into Spurs and England goalie Paul Robinson (on my birthday of all days), then the broken metatarsals episode, simultaneous with the gas leak that deprived us of cooking and heating for 5 days, to top it off working at court with the very camp barrister, migraine/s, that bloke 8years my junior who wanted to shag me (but I resisted the, er, "temptation"), the joy of court, nagging and being nagged, general bad British attitude, aggravation, lack of petrol for the car, going somewhere I hadn't been to for 32 years and finding no nostalgia for it whatsoever, buying gifts for the ungrateful and sending out seasonal cards that are meaningless, seeing the actor John Simm ("Life on Mars") in the local hospital with his wife and baby (- hope she's well now) - CAN I PLEASE HAVE A QUIET DECEMBER???

To wit to woo

So, here we are - it's nearly the end of November and soon we'll be heralding in a New Year with fireworks and drunken behaviour. And that will be after gorging our fat, slob-like selves on Christmas foods.

Ok - so what's bothering Caroline at the moment? What's her gripe of the week?

In fact it's more like a gripe of the month, as November has proved to be the month where good fortune went crashing out of my life, as hurdle after hurdle had to be overcome.

Well, we're nearly in December and I shout loudly to the heavens: "I LOVE A CHALLENGE! GIVE ME MORE MISERY AND HARDSHIP AND I WILL GRASP IT WITH BOTH HANDS AND FACE IT HEAD ON - I WON'T GIVE UP AND I WON'T BE DEFEATED BY IT - I AM A FIGHTER, A SURVIVOR AND AN OPTIMIST - SO BRING IT ON NOW!!!!!!!!!!".

P.S. Roll on 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Secret Lives

My son goes to a mixed education school. You know - boys and girls at school together as opposed to single-sex schools. He's made friends with a couple of girls who go to all-girls schools. I don't consider myself an old fart or naieve but I have been stunned at a couple of things that he's told me.

Both of these girls (who go to different schools) appear to lead double lives. They are early teens and at the weekends give their respective parents the lie that they're staying over at friends. Secretly they're tarting themselves up to go out to nightclubs and bars and flirt with (older) men and drink alcohol. They've even forged identity cards to get them into bars and nightclubs.

Do they not realise the dangers of doing this?

It tends to be the girls from single-sex schools. It's like they see a male and go crazy!!!!!!!! At their age - with their whole lives in front of them they're going to end up like burnt up young tarts with fried livers and creaking with STD's!!! And their stupidly fooled parents are thinking that they're at a friend's house tucked up in bed giggling about boys that they fancy and having midnight feasts in 1950's style Enid Blyton books! I am afraid not! They're enacting their sex and alcohol fantasies and feeling very grown up but not actually having the emotions to deal with all this.

I do despair!

The Christmas Con

Well, it's nearly Christmas and I am fed up already of being sold a vision of an idyllic Christmas by tv advertisers.

You know - z-list, past-it celebrities on tv in snowy surroundings shopping at places these millionaires wouldn't touch with a barge-pole. So we've got Lulu merrily wheeling a trolley around a lower-end-of-the-market supermarket whilst in the background a recent hit pop-tune gets the obligatory Christmas bells makeover as the jingle. Awwww - ain't that wonderful, Lulu, who drives a Rolls Royce (and isn't always keen on signing autographs for fans) is actually one of us - bless! Even dour footballing "pundit" Alan Hansen's getting in on the act by also doing a commercial for this store. Good grief - stick to slating Spurs Alan!

Then there's the now obligatory Hollywood style M & S showpiece featuring Twiggy and Antonio Banderas recreating 1950's Hollywood Christmas glamour. Would either of these very wealthy people be shopping in a high street store? I think not!

I'm not even going to comment on the Trinny and Susannah one!

So, we're being sold an idyllic Christmas where there's snow on the ground, ethnic minorities don't exist, Christmas trees are wonderfully fluffy, it's always snowing and cold, people are walking around in scarved cosiness, smiling and carrying beautifully wrapped presents! There's no mugging, no happy slapping, no rape, no crime. Above all, there's no identity fraud - except for the one being performed by the advertising agencies on us by the creation of such unrealistic and unrepresentative utopias!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only

There's a bizarre marketing strategy that goes on in the UK regarding items for sale.

If an item is £11.99 the shop will advertise it as being "ONLY £11.99". It is as if the word ONLY makes the whole purchase seem like an absolute bargain. As if the psychological effect of the word ONLY will sway the reluctant purchaser into parting with their cash for the item.

I have to ask - Why?

Just because something is ONLY dot dot pounds doesn't make it a bargain or cheap. If it was fairly priced in the first place there'd be no need for this pop psychology.

Thankfully my brain is well-trained so that when I see ONLY before a price, I don't register it. I don't get a rush of adrenaline to buy it and I don't view it as a bargain.

LONG LIVE CYNICISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh joy it's fireworks season!

Well here we are and from now on until New Year's Day we are going to get a dose of nightly fireworks going off at all hours, disturbing our sleep, scaring our pets, smoking the air and bringing joy to ... but a handful of people letting them off!

I really wish we would outlaw fireworks. What other civilised country gives gunpowder to their youth and trusts them not to misbehave with it? There's always accidents and injuries and chaos and mayhem.

I am not a boring killjoy - I've enjoyed watching plenty of fireworks abroad at organised displays and festas where people don't throw them at old people or young kids and run off laughing or let them off until the small hours of the morning.

It just makes me hate England even more! Now, where are my earplugs?

Friendship

This year it appears that I have lost the friendship of 2 people I considered very close friends.

One of them, a male friend, deliberately stitched me up financially to prove a point and make a laughing stock of me. Thanks very much - you know who you are! That person also didn't like my child very much so it's perhaps just as well. It wasn't a romantic relationship but it was a good friendship until he let me down.

The other friend is a female who has decided to pull away from her friends after getting engaged. Her fiance's a weird kind of chap and is making her adapt an "us together against the world" viewpoint. That's ok and I guess I have to cut ties as her loyalties are with him and not with her friends but if their relationship doesn't work out, and I am not sure that it will, she will be quite friendless.

Funnily enough someone I was friendly with years ago recently got in touch with me during the course of work. She had been a really good friend and we'd even been on holiday together, attended self-defence classes together and worked together. Then someone told me that my friend's current boyfriend was 2-timing her and I made the mistake of telling her. That was the end of the friendship as far as she was concerned as I didn't tell her who had told me. Are you following this? A few years later I heard that her father had died so I wrote her a condolence letter and followed it up with a phonecall. She was quite chatty and said she'd keep in touch but never did. A few years later I read that she'd got married. I thought no more of it until I realised I'd have to speak to her in the course of my job. I told my colleague the situation and he dealt with her but it finally reached a point where I had to deal with her and she was very apologetic for what had happened in the past. Although I accepted her apology with a "that's all in the past, forget about it" manner, I was actually quite cross and certainly wouldn't want to see her socially again.

So, friendship eh! Is it worth it? Why do we bother? Suckers, aren't we?!

"Rispekt - innit?"

I was on a bus the other day seated behind a young mixed-race girl and her, very smiley and cute baby.

An old woman with a walking stick wanted to sit down on the inside seat and this "young lady" made no attempt to move, or uncross her legs to allow the old lady to sit, so the old lady squeezed silently into the seat. This whole scenario silently enraged me and I sat thinking venomous thoughts about the uneducated youth of today.

When it was time for the old lady to get off the bus, it was apparent that the youth would neither uncross her legs or move to allow the old lady to pass. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. I weighed up the likelihood of getting stabbed, punched, spat at or otherwise and realised it would just be verbal,
particularly as she had a baby in a pram. So I leaned forward and said to the youth, "Perhaps you'd like to move your legs to let the lady pass". "Oi, watch yer mouth, it's got nufink to do wiv you!" was her predictable reply. By this time the old lady had had to barge her way past and was off the bus. "Well, I think you could've made it easier for that lady to get off the bus," I replied, "Couldn't you see she was an old lady with a walking stick?"

"She didn't give me any respect!!!!!!!!!!!!" was the bizarre reply.

Ok, I reasoned - what a strange world we live in. We're living in a free world today and not speaking German because the old lady's generation fought in the War for our freedoms only so that she could be dissed by the youth and told to show them some respect! No doubt the mixed-race girl would've been sent to the concentration camps - and now her daughter is going to grow up in a world based on misplaced concepts of "respect"!

I shall wear my poppy with pride and continue to plan my emigration from the UK!

Farewell Martin Jol

Our very stupid board undermined you and the players and have brought this season's wretched troubles on themselves. We deserve to be relegated and I am in such a steaming bad mood about things that I am considering supporting Ars*nal!!!

You have behaved with dignity, loyalty and grace throughout this whole farcical Ramos saga. You've been our best manager since the year dot and lead us to two successive 5th place finishes (and a win over Chelsea) - no mean feat for our team of perpetual underachievers! Will Ramos be a better manager - my arse! A free-riding manager with ambitions to use Spurs as a stepping stone to a Champions League club whereas you always were Spurs through and through.

You deserve better than Spurs. Thank you for what you have done at Spurs. Good Luck for the future!

" I LOVE MARTIN JOL, MARTIN JOL LOVES ME"

Spice Girls Reunion!

To my horror the dreaded Spice Girls reunion has begun! Their new single was played on the radio this morning, but I had the good grace to change the channel as soon as the opening chords struck up!

I just cannot stand the Spice Girls - the only one who could sing was Mel C and she wasn't that great!

It's all going wrong for me dear old Spurs!

There are many factors why our crap season is continuing:

1. The managerial debacle of going behind our manager's back to approach someone else for his job wasn't helpful!

2. While it's obvious to most people we needed to bring in an experienced defender, we didn't - we brought in a promising youth - Kaboul - for the future but the present is the problem - Dawson's only good when he gets confidence from playing with an experienced defender e.g. the perpetually injured Ledley King!

3. We don't have any midfield at all! Jenas needs to be shipped out in January along with others who cannot pass the ball or get a shot in on target or break up opposition play.

4. We should've gone for Shaun Wright-Phillips who is a better finisher than Aaron Lennon!

5. It pains me to say it but we should've sold Berbatov for £25 million as he's our only flair player and in a team like ours we don't need unhappy flair players sulking, skulking and giving bad attitude because they'd rather be at Man Utd! Time to cash in on him in January!

6. Jol is not solely to blame, but he is responsible for team and tactics and so he shoulders some of the blame. Maybe the back room staff supporting him aren't up to it. Certainly not Chris Houghton who seems to be a permanent fixture at the club. Would another manager instill confidence in the squad and teach them to defend as a team and grind out boring 1-0 victories to move us up the table? It's not "the Spurs way" but we need to find a way out of this hole until we can buy some EXPERIENCED defenders and a tough-tackling midfielder in January.

7. I don't think Spurs are in relegation trouble, but unless things get sorted out soon, we will end up in the lower regions of the table in May.

8. The team should be banned from reading the inevitable bad press who always love to portray Spurs as a team in crisis!

9. Rant over!!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON YOU SPURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot ...

Just wanted to say well done to the England Rugby Team for beating the French Rugby Team in Paris tonight and by the narrowest of margins - how must that have hurt the French? It's rare for England to do well in any sport but the rugby team are the defending world champions and who could forget Jonny Wilkinson's amazing demolition of the Australian Rugby team in the last World Cup final - in Australia in 2003? How good was it watching the Aussie prime minister (John Howard?) bad-temperedly throwing the winners medals round the England team's necks!!! Now ... bring on South Africa or preferably Argentina for the final next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walk On

FREE AUNG SAN SUU KYI


http://burmacampaign.org.uk/
http://www.uscampaignforburma.org/
http://www.freeburma.org/

Female Bus Drivers

I do my deepest thinking while I am out and about travelling on London's wonderfully clean, punctual and comfortable transport system - Joke! And today I had the pleasure of standing in the cold waiting for a bus.

Our driver was a tall, broad woman who huffed down the street towatds the bus in a masculine way. She wore no make-up, had a physique to match Tyson, her long, blonde hair looked greasy and she was in dire need of bra that uplifted her cleavage! To top it all off, she spoke in low, gruff tones. And I started thinking ... Why do all women bus drivers look and sound like that? I mean how many times have you EVER seen a beautiful, high-pitch voiced female bus driver batting her eyelids at the travelling public boarding her bus? And why not? To rival the males around? To be seen to be as masculine as the males in order to be taken more seriously? I don't believe that all female bus drivers are butch lesbians and I know that the uppper classes won't be attracted to driving buses but that still doesn't mean female bus drivers have to adhere to a stereotype of being cockney, butch toughs! So come on ladies, wash your hair, slap on even a smidgen of lipstick or mascara and invest in the support of a good bra! If any female bus drivers out there have the answers ... please post comments!

FREE BURMA!!!

Good luck to the people of Burma for peacefully protesting against their evil, repressive government. No-one should forget the courage of the Burmese people. Time for the West to impose a peaceful solution so that the Burmese will get a democratic, open government - but hang on ... there's no oil, the West does a nice trade with the oppressive Burmese government while the Burmese people starve. Oh. Looks like Burma won't be the international political priority that it should!!!

The Difference Between Men and Women

The way men and women look at each other is so different ...

• A man sees an attractive younger woman and thinks ... "Damn, I wish I were younger".
• A woman sees an attractive younger man and thinks ... "Damn, I wish he was older!"
• A man fantasises about being with a woman who is a virgin.
• A woman fantasises about being with a man who is not a virgin.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy!

I know that there's a fall in standards in society generally but I really get saddened at the sloppy appearances (and attitudes) of workers in shops and on public transport. This has nothing to do with any snobbery on my part - I personally am a jeans and t-shirt person at home. It's just something that I've noticed. For example:

Monday - went into Tesco and waited patiently in line while the girl in front of me in the queue was insisting some items were discounted and not available at full price. Whilst this protracted yawnsome saga was dragging on, and the person behind me was noisily shuffling about and pointedly looking at their watch, I noticed that the salesperson behind the til was so - you guessed it - sloppy!!!!!!!!!!! He was a young man at a stage of facial hair between stubble and full growth, he had an ear-ring and his long hair was greasily swamping his face. You could definitely fry an egg on his head! Terribly presented, I thought. Then I asked myself why employers don't tell employees to have a sharper appearance? Then I reasoned it's probably to do with a fear of litigation and the Human Rights Act - well what would that fall under, I puzzled - The right to look unkempt at work? A new human right!

Tuesday - The postman turned up to deliver mail wearing post-office issue shorts and untucked shirt - ok, you don't want the post person to suffer from the heat but it's hardly been the warmest of summers in the UK and again, I felt dress standards had dropped.

Thursday - Went to get some new shoes. A youth served me whilst chewing gum and his demeanour was such that he really didn't want to be serving people. He'd no doubt rather be cruising the Mediterranean on a yacht and bedding a load of beautiful women and getting rat-arsed on alcohol. Well tough luck, sonny, we've all gotta start in the working world some place! Unless we're lucky (!) enough to win a reality tv show and been smothered with mega cash and fame overnight!

When is the football season going to begin???

I am a bit of a football fan and I am now reaching a point of boredom at not being able to watch my beloved Tottenham Hotspur in action, other than meaningless friendlies against irrelevant teams! Bring on August and the start of the Premier League season!!!!!! In the meantime one has to endure endless press speculation about which team members will be leaving/joining with all the promise of a great season or the hopeless despair of a disastrous season that that will bring! :0(

Some cynicism from the old goat!

This month has seen 2 mega concerts featuring international stars beamed all over the globe on tv and the internet - namely the Diana Memorial Concert and the Live Earth Concert.

I have to ask myself - do these concerts really do any good? Are those acts appearing really such great philanthropists or just out to grab a bit of glory by being in the headlines? I often find that these type of events say more about those that don't appear than those that do. For example, I may be wrong but I don't think Sting appeared in any Live Earth concert around the world. Yet isn't he supposed to be a huge environmentalist? So why wasn't he involved?

The Diana concert was supposed to feature artists that the Princess liked, together with choices from her sons, thus I was left wondering if the Princess would really have enjoyed listening to Kanye West or Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas?

I am a cynic, I admit that and I know that this blog makes me sound like some jaded old fart but I just feel that the more often such events are staged, the less special they become. And I say this as someone who once stood as a star-struck teenager outside Wembley Stadium on the day of the original Live Aid concert listening to U2 and clutching a programme.

The Release of Alan Johnston

Like most reasonably-minded people I am delighted that the BBC journalist Alan Johnston has been freed by the Army of Islam/Hamas (delete if applicable) after a long and painful time in captivity. However, I am slightly cynical. Mr Jonhston is a journalist. What's the betting that he will shortly be publishing a book of his experiences, possibly with the title "Tied Up In Gaza". I can't help but see dollar signs. I wonder if in the depth of his despair, alone and in the darkness, he was maintaining some sanity by mentally preparing chapters of the inevitably forthcoming book.

I also doubt that he will use his freedom to campaign for the release of fellow captives such as the Israeli soldiers who were captured last year. Gilad Shalit was seized on the Israeli side of the border a year ago - by the Army of Islam/Hamas and was brought to Gaza.


Shalit

Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev are 2 Israeli soldiers who were captured from the Israeli side of the border by Hizbollah last summer.

Regev and Goldwasser

Thus I won't buy Mr Johnston's book or read any newspaper "exclusives" on his doubtlessly horrific time in captivity.

MAY ALL THOSE WHOSE FREEDOM HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM THEM FIND THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE WHATEVER PAIN THEY ARE SUFFERING, TAKE COMFORT FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE WILL NOT FORGET THEIR PLIGHT, AND MAY THEY SOON BE REUNITED WITH THEIR FAMILIES.

Movie Top 10

This time the top 10 is in order of favourites:

1. Ghost - a cracking performance from Whoopi Goldberg, and special effects that look so dated now we have CGI but were state-of-the-art in 1990 and the theme of never-ending love - Patrick Swayze as the not-classically-handsome lead and Demi Moore being demure and understated as his bereaved fiancee. However, the cheesily unnecessary pottery scene almost spoils the whole message of good triumphing over evil!

2. High Society - a timeless, mushy, old classic with all the stars of their day - Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Grace Kelly, Louis Armstrong - and a musical score that is well ... lovely! Nostalgia for an innocent time that I never knew.

3. The Sixth Sense - truly amazing film. Each time you re-watch it you spot something new. Amazing twist at the end which I never saw coming. Toni Collette, one of my favourite actresses, gives yet another great performance and well, Bruce Willis is just Bruce (sigh!).

4. Manhattan Murder Mystery - the only Woody Allen film that I like. The script is hilarious and Allen's nerdy character interacts beautifully with Diane Keaton's paranoid, bored housewife - the film twists and turns along and the tension and the humour blend well.

5. How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days - hilarious chick flick, no nastiness, no smut, just simple fun and Kate Hudson is comically wonderful.

6. Dolores Claiborne - just loved this. A bleakly, depressing film. Kathy Bates was superb as ever and the message of the film seemed to be that sometimes you look at things from a different angle to get the true perspective - and I liked that message.

7. Crash - not the pervy film about car crashes but the Oscar-winner of a couple of years ago that dealt with everyday racism in modern-day Los Angeles. All the actors put in brilliant performances and it was interesting to see how their lives interacted and of course there was tragedy.

8. Grease - who couldn't love this cheesy nostalgic musical romp through the 50's? You've got everything: gangs, romance, teenage pregnancy, brylcreem, high school, great music, dancing and the oldest teenager in the world - Stockard Channing - singing one of the best tracks of the movie: "There are worse things I could do."

9. Star Wars - I remember queuing for over an hour to see this with my dad, in the days before credit card booking for cinemas. We sat upstairs near the front and the film just had everyone in awe - the special effects were of a kind never seen before - ok you look at them now and you can virtually see the Death Star swinging along on string but to a young child in 1977 it was an awesome adventure.

10. Goldfinger - classic James Bond - the car, the fashions, the evil baddie and the best Bond of all, Mr Sean Connery, shaken not stirred!!!

No, No, No!!! I will not re-use shopping bags!!!

Are you as sick of all this environmentally-friendly stuff as me?

I was in a rush to work this morning trying to get a few items at my local Marks and Spencer store. At the checkout the checkout lady decided to launch into a conversation to coax me into buying a "Bag for Life":

"It'll only cost you 10p and you can bring it back each time you come here and when it wears out we'll replace it free of charge each time".

"Sorry, but I'd rather just have my shopping packed into the lurid, flourescent green plastic bags." (Flourescent green obviously equates to getting on the environmentally friendly bandwagon!). I hastily packed stuff into the aforementioned bags but I glanced up and noticed that she'd given me a most disappoving look. She then proceeded to harangue the old lady behind me: "Are you interested in a Bag For Life?"

"Ooooh, yes dear, I think I'll give it a try". replied the old lady parting with a 10 pence piece.

As I was walking from the checkout, I noticed a paronisingly triumphant smirk on the checkout lady's face.

I really couldn't give a stuff (for want of a ruder word). As far as I am concerned I do my bit for the enviroment by recycling newspapers and glass bottles - anything more than that is hard work!!!

29th June 2007

29th June 2007

I would've been married 14 years today if I had not had the good sense to escape from a marriage of violent instability (and that was the good days!). So, how will I commemorate this maudlin "anniversary of sorts"???

I shall tell you ... by listening to rock music at full volume and getting drunk!!!

Cheers!!!

This photo has no relevance to the post below!!!

This afternoon I had to take my cousin and wait for her at a local beauty parlour.

So there I was looking distinctly unglamorous (as usual) surrounded by adverts for various products that promise eternal youth and probably deliver nothing. The irritating sound of nail-filing (which drives my up the wall like someone's nails raking down a blackboard!) was going on and very over-made up youthful girls were escorting customers around this oasis of beauty on their way to back rooms to have various treatments for extortionate prices.

I was feeling lulled into a sense of sleepiness as I sank into the deep-sprung sofa and watched the projected image of fish swimming in a sea that was on the screen at the back of the room. An older, more wrinkled woman (the owner, I decided) was smiling at me in a sympathetic, patronising manner and I was almost convinced to have a head-to-toe algae body wrap when suddenly something ruined the false sense of open-your-wallet bliss that I was heading into.

It was the pan pipe music coming through the sound system! Now, if there's one style of music I cannot stand it is pan pipes! What's the point of it? It's unpleasant. What was more unpleasant was that I had to sit through Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack's "Tonight I celebrate My Love For You" on pan pipes!!!!!! It's bad enough without the ruddy pan pipes! Things got worse and my mood deteriorated further when "Saving All My Love for You" by Whitney Houston came on as the next pan pipe tune.

It reminded me of when I was in a Chinese restaurant years ago and Madonna's "Get Into The Groove" was being played in the background on Chinese instruments. It sort of lost something. Same thing for pan pipes. Some genres of music are a definite no-no!

So, thereI was - considering my options:

- Text my cousin's mobile apologising for having to leave suddenly, pretend that my car was on a meter that was about to expire, death by mud pack!

I was mentally writing my will and thinking of all the people I'd miss on this earth when my cousin emerged.

"Thank goodness" I cried and almost hugged her "You've saved me from Whitney Houston on pan pipes!!!" The young assistant escorting my cousin looked at me as if I was mad, the owner of the shop looked at me as if I had verbally assaulted her and my cousin just smiled.

A summer tale

I took this photo on holiday in Sorrento, Italy 2 years ago. A lovely summer evening and calm serenity ensued over the Bay of Naples.

However, I wanted to share with you one memory. There was a woman in our hotel who liked to sunbathe topless round the pool and well, was in need of "depilation" around the center of her bosoms. My cousin who was holidaying with us commented "Oh look at the Bay of Nipples!" - It really put me off the cappuccino I was drinking and it became hard not to feel queasy whenever this lady removed the top of her bikini and sprawled back in her deckchair!

I mean, I have what can be described as an ample figure and I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone by wearing a bikini so why didn't Queen Kong remove the nipple fur if she was going topless??? Did her husband say "Oh darling, that furriness round your nips is just such a turn-on?" or was he a polite, simpering Englshman who didn't quite know how to broach the subject and was frantically and furtively combing the local phone directory for the numbers of ladies of ill-repute as his married "love life" was inexplicably off the boil???

My Cup of Tea!

Well I've been running around like the proverbial headless chicken trying to utilise every moment of my extremely hectic life and rather neglecting this blog in the process.

So what's been happening this week .... well ... in the world of politics Tony Blair's resigned, in the world of football Thierry Henry has left that sinking ship known as Arsenal for the trophyland known as Barcelona, the famed Wimbledon loser Tim Henman (famed for punching his fist and grimacing when he wins a match point) actually won a match yesterday ... oh yeah, Paris Hilton's released from jail.

And in my small microcosm of life .... nothing much really. So here's my top 10 favourite all time songs - in no particular order - (apologies to Kate Thornton for borrowing her favourite expression when reading out the list of those going through to the next round of the X-Factor)

Live Forever - Oasis -ooooh I like a good guitar riff, I do, I do!!!

California Dreamin' - The Mamas and the Papas - sort of melty and mellow, man

Ain't Nobody - Rufus and Chaka Khan - upbeat cheery 80's stuff

Ordinary World - Duran Duran - their best lyrics from a group not known for great lyrics

Kayleigh - Marillion - the lyrics are poetry, the chorus is a bit crap

Dani California - The Red Hot Chilli Peppers - a great video accompanied this bouncy, rock nonsense so I've gotta stick it on my list

Praise You - Fatboy Slim - a weird choice but again, bouncily optimisticly techno youth tune

Summertime - Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong - an absolute classic, say no more!

Pretty Vacant - Sex Pistols - yes, what a great load of noise from the original punk boys

Prince Charming - Adam and the Ants - purely because I get a warm nostalgic feeling remembering my gran telling me to turn it down when it got to the wailing, repetitive bit at the end!

Edge of Heaven - Wham - the best Wham song ever - so bouncily, cheerily optimistically 80's

I'll Fly For You - Spandau Ballet - a gentle song sang by foghorn Hadley, which always amused my friends when it came to the line "I haven't got a thing" - ah, the silly thoughts of adolescent girls!!!

Wildwood - Paul Weller - the Modfather goes all soft and bluesy

You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse - excellent tune and lyrics from one of today's great talents

Find Maddie

It's been 50 days since poor Madeleine McCan was abducted from her holiday appartment. There's been all sorts of recriminations about whether or not her parents should have left her and her younger siblings alone while they went for a meal. I don't want to get into all that, or the fact that her parents are both doctors and hence have more support at their disposal than working-class parents in a similar unfortunate situation.

I cannot imagine the horror and agony that the McCans feel. I know that when my son, who was 7 at the time, went missing at Parade Time in EuroDisney my heart sank to its lowest depths and the full realisation that I may never see him again hit me in the pit of my stomach. Luckily his stripey t-shirt was spotted by his eagle-eyed grandma who found him, obliviously following the parade, caught up in the colour, noise and excitement of it all.

So I really pray that Madeleine will be found safe and well and returned to her family.

I have placed the Find Maddie poster on my blog as this morning's news mentioned that there may have been "sightings" of her on the island of Malta. Maybe there will be a happy conclusion to all of this.

Update on Skin Product Effectiveness

So as you are aware I have been using the wonder skin cream product for about 2 weeks now.

It's fine and I am also using the eyecream and the moisturiser. (I thought the eyecream was making a bit of a difference but the eyes still look dry and saggy in the corners). But I digress ...

Today at work I was paid the most unexpected compliment. The boss of the place where I work (but not my boss, if that makes sense) said, as she walked past me: "Your face looks thinner!!!" This was bizarre because she'd last seen me only 2 days previously.

I was a bit taken aback. "Oh, it must be the new face cream that I'm using", I said in dubious shock.

"We should all use it then!" She replied. This from a woman who seems proud to have wisps of white facial beard sprawling over her chin.

"Well", I said, "If it's that effective at making the face thin, perhaps I should use it all over my body". She smiled and walked off and I wished I'd kept my big mouth shut. You see, I am not sure if she drinks from the furry cup or not. I make it clear to you at this point, that I do not.

There's something about her that makes me feel uneasy. I assume it's the pride with which she doesn't remove the quite obvious facial beard wisps. When you sit opposite her in meetings you have to sort of remember to look into her eyes and not let your gaze stray down her face towards her chin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I really need to get another job!

How Not To Smile in Photos

We're coming up to July which means 2 things to wizarding folk:

1. The next movie installment in the Harry Potter franchise
2. The concluding novel to the whole Harry Potter saga.

No doubt Harry Potter enthusiasts are agog with anticipation. There's already been a "spoiler" of the final novel's ending posted on the internet. There's talk of a theme park in the USA based on the books, and all in all the coffers are open and flooding JK Rowling with even more cash than anyone could spend in a lifetime. And so to the point of this post: JK Rowling is one of the wealthiest women on the planet and I say good luck to her. She was an impoverished single-parent at the start of the Harry Potter novels, and does a lot for charity. Yet have you noticed that even with such great wealth generated from Harry Potter, she rarely smiles in photos, and if one does see her in a photo smiling it always looks like a pained, put on smile!

I have to ask myself, as a fellow impoverished single parent, who wishes she could write her way to a fortune, why does JK Rowling always seems so ...well, miserable?

Not being famous, I can't imagine what it must be like to have press camped on your doorstep and unknown people, from all over the world, writing to you and sending you weird items in the mail. I certainly can't imagine what it must be like trying to go the local shops, without any make up on, hoping no paparazzi will spring out and snap a photo. That must be horrible, but when you've got enough money to buy several small islands to hide away on, does it matter that much? Wouldn't you forfeit a bit of freedom for a lot of money??? I certainly would!

So come on JK, give us a smile for goodness sake!!!



Ok - that's kind of better!!!

Secret Spurs Fan!!!

Like a Rabbit Caught in Headlights

I was out and about minding my own business today, going down the local high street.

I ventured into a pharmaceutical store known as "Boots" with 2 very specific items to purchase in mind: an eye cream (as my eyes are looking saggy) and a mascara (to apply to the lashes of the aforementioned saggy eyes). Now "Boots" are very gung-ho at the moment about the fact that some anti-wrinkle cream or other that they invented has been verified by a BBC programme as proven to reduce the effect of wrinkles. "Protect and Perfect" serum has been hailed as the big breakthrough in anti-ageing creams. This has led to stampedes, sell-outs and product-rationing up and down the country on a scale not seen since World War II.

So, there I was totally unprepared for what was about to happen. I merrily and obliviously scanned the shelves of expensive lotions and potions in order to find an eye cream in a reasonable price bracket. Ok, for reasonable use "budget" - i.e. under £5!!!

And then it happened - a very pleasant salesgirl who looked about 16 years old but was probably a bit older approached me. "I'm looking for an eye cream" I volunteered. "Ok, let's see" she replied and pointed me in the direction of "L'Oreal", "Clarins", an extremely expensive French make I've forgotten the name of, "Boots" own make, a herbal and pure brand - the array of products was bewildering.

"There's always this one" she said as she showed me a tube of something for £1.59. Hmmmm, that looked too cheap - surely it couldn't work for that price? We walked round to the front of the shelves.

"Have you tried 'Protect and Perfect'?" She asked. "You must have heard of it? In a month you could have wrinkle-free skin."

"Oh yeah", I replied "wasn't there something about it on tv?". She smiled and went behind the counter and reappeared mischieviously with a box of it in her hand. "We don't keep it on display" she proudly stated. "So many customers have said it works. Only one woman didn't and she was quite spotty and was putting other products with it so of course it didn't work for her. Anyway, your skin's not that 'mature'-looking."

"Oh" I said, starting to feel that I was in the middle of a hard-sell being done extremely skillfully. "May I see it?"

She handed it over victoriously. She knew I would feel a real cheapskate if I refused to pay £16.75 for the wonder-lotion. I feigned interest and inspected the packaging getting mentally bamboozled by words like "pro-retinol A" and "anti-oxidents", etc.

"It might be good as an eye cream too" she said.

"Oh" was all I could manage in reply as I robotically placed the wonder-lotion automatically in my basket, as though under the influence of a magical spell.

I was still thinking about how old you have to be to be classed as having 'mature' skin when she said: "Of course, you can't use it without moisturiser".

"Right", I replied grimly.

"This one's not too expensive" she said and pointed to one.

"Ok", I forced a smile, "I'll take that as well".

"Now what about the eye cream?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that", I replied and decided that to go for the £1.59 one would definitely look really cheap after forking out for the wonder-lotion and needless moisturiser.

I put one for £5.76 in my basket. Then I found some inner-strength. "Thank you", I said and walked away towards the mascara. I now had to budget for the mascara and get a cheaper one than my usual one.

All in all it was a very expensive shop and I was really cross with myself for being such a sucker. I have never before invested so heavily in skin-care products of dubious promise. You may have guessed that I am totally cynical about the claims of the anti-wrinkle industry and any adverts featuring Jane Fonda or any Hollywood star on the wane and into middle age and beyond!

Anyway, I shall let you know what I make of this wonder-lotion in a wrinkle-free month's time!!!

Trainspotting!!!

So there I was all set for 2 days training with work, relatively comfortably seated in non-first class luxury on the train. The train was the 8.45. We were hurtling through Hertfordshire on our way to Cambridge and fellow passengers were either plugged into their iPods, reading books, newspapers or magazines, feeding whingeing children that ran up and down the aisle or, like me, staring out of the window, trying to ignore all and sundry around them.

And thus it was. I was deep in thought, wondering why the nearer the train got to Cambridge the sillier the names of train stops were: Shepreth, Mordeth, or something else that sounded like sheep rot and conjured up images of country yokels when I saw - the sight! And I gasped in shock, horror and disbelief for I had never encountered such a sight before in my lifetime and fully believed it was an urban myth!

Yes - 'twas a TRAINSPOTTER!!! One of a breed of peculiarly English people who sit near railways and derive insurmountable pleasure from jotting down the details of passing trains. The bizarreness of this is that one doesn't find equivalent people deriving such joy out of meaningless practices on the continent of Europe, as far as I am aware. Imagine Jean-Claude leaves the maison in the morning "Au revoir Marie, I am off to write down le numbers of the passing trains at the Gare Du Nord" "Oh, ok, mon cheri, I have packed a bag of sandwiches for you. Enjoy!" I think not!!!

So there I was nigh gawping in disbelief as the train took a bend and we whizzed alongside a country path. I saw the trainspotter - "No" I almost cried aloud. I felt panic build up inside of me - surely not a man on a bench beside a railway with a pen and paper in his hand???

YES - we drew nearer, it was a trainspotter. "Nooooooooooooo" - I was mentally willing him to relinquish his grip on his pencil and notepad and go and get a life. Hard luck, our train whooshed past him and, with the precision that comes of being an expert in the field, he quickly jotted down something and then replaced the pencil on the pad with great satisfaction, doubtlessly feeling euphoric at the thought of the 9.15.

Oh, England - is there no hope???

The Paris Hilton

Grrrrrr!!! It's really irritating when so-called celebrities think they're above the law. So Paris Hilton gets her sentence halved, gets her own special secluded unit in the prison and probably tons of luxuries denied to regular inmates. Then bizarrely the sheriff let's her out because of a "psychiatric problem" - could it be that she gave him a huge bribe to get released??? Just a thought!

Let's be clear about one thing, if it were John Doe, without squillions in the bank he would've been banged up in jail without a thought for his personal safety or special perks!

So Paris dear, do us a favour and get back inside love and stop squealing like a baby. You've done the crime, now do the (very much reduced) time!!!

RIP DAD - 11 YEARS AGO TODAY!!!

My life would have been so different if he were still alive. He was only just 56 years old when cancer fatally claimed him.

I remember the silly parts of our last ever telephone conversation. The one where I was making plans to come up and see him in hospital but never made it in time. The one where we joked about the tv show "EastEnders" that he hated and the "Star Trek" tv series that he loved. I remember how he once told me that Patrick Stewart was sitting next to him on a plane to Newcastle and Dad was telling him that he was a fan of the show. I am glad that he got to meet Patrick Stewart.

I am sad that my son never really knew his grandpa. If he had known his grandpa he may have turned out .... an Arsenal fan (shudder of horror!!!). So, Dad as a tribute to you, I post the picture below:



(ooh that was painful!!!)

BUT REMEMBER, DAD, THERE'S ONLY ONE REAL NORTH LONDON FOOTBALL CLUB AND THAT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE SPURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESS YOUR DEAR SOUL, AND REST IN PEACE XXX

10 Things I hate about Dimitar Berbatov

1. He's courting a move to Manchester Utd.

2. He's praised Man Utd players above his own squad - rightly or wrongly, you just don't do that!

3. He's realised that Man Utd weren't going to make a move for him so he's engineering a transfer by praising them!

4. He comes across as being an honourable person but it looks like his honourability will be tested by a Manchester Utd bid for him!

5. He must therefore be 2-faced.

6. Having such attitudes at a club can unsettle a dressing room and the other players.

7. He will break my heart by leaving.

8. He should show some b*lls by staying at least one more season and helping us get into the Champions League that he so craves to play in!

9. He will take an unbearable amount of abuse from our fans if he plays for Utd. (Remember Sol Campbell?)

10. He should want to give his all for Spurs, who have brought him to England and to a greater world stage after being mediocre in a cruddy German league for 5 years.

10 Things I love about Dimitar Berbatov

What do I like about Dimitar Berbatov? Here's 10 things:

1. He was a good buy for Spurs.

2. He's proved to be one of the hottest footballing properties in the English Premier League.

3. He plays with style and gracefulness and knows how to calmly strike the ball into the net.

4. He shows great irritation when players around him don't pass the ball to him.

5. He would never play for Ars*nal (otherwise known as "The Dark Side" of n. london football clubs!)

6. He has the silliest nickname in his native Bulgaria: "The devil with the face of an angel".

7. He has devilish good looks.

8. He learnt English from watching movies, especially gangster films.

9. By doing a top 10 of my favourite things about Dimitar, I get the excuse to post a picture of him.

10. I don't know if he has much personality, but I would share a yoghurt with him any day. (This is not synonymous with anything risque, but was actually a true question someone once asked him - if he ate yoghurt and if it gave him footballing powers!!!)

Big Brother I'm Not Watching You

Well, it's that time of year again in England - when the under 30's turn into tv addicts, tuning into their nightly fix of "Big Brother".

I can't believe this dumbed-down, unintelligent "yoof" progamme is now in its 7th year. The first one was mooted as an interesting "social experiment", but it didn't appeal to me. However it's now become an excuse for the bizarre and insane to parade themselves on tv, locked in a house for 8 weeks and viewable 24/7 on cameras with the guarantee of instant celebrity and millions of pounds on re-entry into the real world. Pardon me for not being interested but I don't really care to watch Jack Nobody trying to fry onions at 3 am!!!

Small-time glossy magazines will no doubt bombard us with pictures of these nobodies and "exclusives" whereby their friend's cat's dog's aunty will reveal all about them - yeah the hangers-on cling to their little bit of fame too!

Now where is that 2 month exit pass from the UK??? Ah ...

Out for a fight

This blog is dull, I am not denying it but I just had to get something off my chest.

I was in my local Marks and Spencer store with my son the other day. We were queuing in the "5 Items Only" queue. In front of us was a large, youngish lady, in a top that was unsuited to her figure and her age. (She was - a chav or charver if you're from the north of England). Behind us was an old lady. I was in queuing-oblivion mode which means that I had mentally tuned out of my surroundings and was thinking about things I had to do during later that week.

The lady in front suddenly turned round and started having a go at my son: "Stop counting my items!" She shouted out. This brought me out of my daydream. "Eh?" "He was counting my items - so what if I've got 7 items!" Quite frankly, I agreed with her, I couldn't care less how many items she had but I did object to her shouting at my boy. So, I turned to him and asked "Were you counting that lady's items?" "No" he replied. "He damn well was!" shouted the lady. "No, he wasn't I replied" feeling like things were degenerating into a playground spat. "You shut your mouth!" she yelled at me. That was the final straw - "Don't tell me to shut my mouth!" I replied (amazed at my inner strength in such a perilous situation!!!) At that moment it was her turn in the queue - the old lady behind us pipped up "She's playing the system!" and blew a raspberry in her direction. And I just stood stunned that this chav could be bothered to cause an argument and raise blood-pressure levels all for the sake of 2 extra items, which no-one could really care less about. Alas, that is England today, when people are just dying to get aggressive over anything whatsoever. As we walked sadly out of the store my son turned to me and said "I was actually counting her items".

WE KNOW HE LOVES US, REALLY!!!

Crash Bang Smash!

Why is it that whenever your car's involved in a smash it always sounds worse than the damage actually done (thankfully!) ???

Well, today I was really tired. I was parking in a car park and was reversing out of a space. Suddenly -- BANG - for some reason I didn't spot a car driving behind me. My car's 18 months old, the car I hit was an old banger. "Ok", I told myself groaning, "First rule of car smashes, never admit responsibility". I got out of my car feeling sick to the stomach.

"You weren't looking - you hit us!" cried an old-ish lady getting out of the passenger side of the car behind. Glancing at her passenger door I could see there was no apparent damage. "I know, I'm sorry" I said meekly (whilst noticing out the corner of my eye a new dent in the rear of my car). The lady then proceeded to furtively check for any inch of a mark on her passenger door that they could claim against me from my car insurance, but much to my relief and their despair, there wasn't one! I got back into my car, shaking from shock and they proceeded to drive away. Meanwhile some totally unconnected young lady driving a huge child chariot wagon proceeded to shout abuse towards me but I didn't give her the pleasure of looking at her for long enough - interferring busybody!!! Oh how I love life in England!!!!!! NOT!!!

I am sitting here wondering why on earth I have started a blog. Me? At the ripe old age of 38 doing an internet blog! It would have been unthinkable even up to a month ago. I am smiling. I have recently mastered the art of downloading music, although I must confess it was so much easier years ago taping things than "burning" them onto disc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a technophobe. I embrace the new technology as much as I am able to understand it but I loved tape as a recordable medium. Even DVDs - they're disappointing. With a VHS you could rewind, pause and forward to exactly where you wanted. With DVDs you have to go back to chapters. Ok, the quality's improved but it's still darn inconvenient! So, I feel like an old fogey.

Yet I've never been one to hide from my age. You won't find me going for a botox to patch up an old wrinkle or squeezing into unsuitable fashions to go clubbing. No, gone are the days when I used to glam up to spend my evenings in smoky, noisy environments desperately trying to avoid the gaze of the sweaty creep that was making his way towards me in the hope of a slow dance.

Yes, younger people these days have got it so much easier. Everything you want at the click of a button. You want a book - click - it will be there in a day or two. You want music - click - it's on your computer in a matter of seconds. You want a dvd - renting them's for the old fogeys - click - it's downloaded onto your computer. We are creating what I call the Instant Generation. No patience, and gimme, gimme, gimme it now. What this means for the future, who can tell. I know that I won't be around. Maybe I'll have checked in for a botox or a realignment of molecular structure by then!!!!